Why I'm done asking myself, "What is my dream?"
After a few days of frantically questioning myself about what my dream is — my brain & heart settled on, “Well, what’s my dream today?” & suddenly I felt relieved.
That was a much lighter, easier question. I know what I wanna do today! Having to decide for tomorrow and years to come was extremely anxiety-inducing and paralyzing for someone who likes a lot of different things.
I realized I can simply remind myself that I am literally here experiencing being human for the first and only time. Nothing has to be so drastic, major, tragic, all-or-nothing, decide-or-die. It’s so much more to existing than that. And with my experience, I want to try some of everything! I want to be able to say I did that whether I continue to do it or not. How will I know I like it if I haven’t lived it?
My dream today is to write — so I got out my laptop and started typing again for the 1st time in months. I’m about to publish for the 1st time in a year. Why has it been so long? I’ve been so heavy on myself (aka being a procrastinating perfectionist) about saying the right thing on my website, finding a niche, and all the other things these “how to become a writer” ultimate guides instruct you to do step-by-step. It’s also been my mindset throughout medical school: curating myself perfectly enough to match into a specialty. I can now tell you that mindset has done nothing for me other than intensify my migraines and exacerbate chronic gastritis (my head and my stomach are always hurting).
In writing, I could never settle on anything but I’ll never have a chance to if I don’t just DO IT. And I don’t have to follow a strict structure — I want to try nonfiction, fiction, short stories, essays, even poetry (something I never thought I understood or was good at). It’s not as high stakes as it feels. I can do what I want! I pay for this domain & website, it’s personal, it’s my outlet, it’s my art, it’s my notes. It’s why this won’t be my most pristinely edited post. I needed to just live my dream & do something today.
& I did it 🤗
