no, you’re not lazy.
It’s not laziness keeping me out of the gym. Or away from yoga class. Or from going for a walk or run. Or from moving my body in any way.
It’s not the fear of pain or work because I enjoy the high and the soreness. They’re reminders of what I’ve accomplished for the day. I’ve tried all the preparation for working out: the putting out clothes the night before, the planning it into my day (early or late), the having a gym bag ready in my car, the hyping myself up, and all the other conventional advice about getting moving. Even the memory of wishing I could move my body while my physical flare up prevented me from doing so. Remembering what it was like to not be able to work out doesn’t do it for me. I needed to dive into what was causing this internal conflict with physical movement.
Here’s how my breakdown process went:
What is this block?
Why do I dread moving?
What emotion do I feel when I think about moving?
Where does this emotion come from?
The answers:
I hate moving.
It doesn’t feel good to me mentally which translates physically, leading to avoidance.
I feel uncomfortable, unexperienced, restricted in my own skin, stuck, like I suck at this.
I mostly feel like this when I see myself doing whatever I’m doing, when I compare myself to someone else or to who I used to be, and when I feel judged by others who look or do better.
Ok, I was getting closer to the deeper cause, but something was still missing.
In the midst of questioning myself in this way, while I felt all my guilt and angst about how nothing is working and “I’ll never get back to moving” – I realized something key to working through my unwillingness to move.
I lost connection with the freedom I used to feel with moving.
I let the restriction and resistance I forced onto my body take over. Sucking in my stomach, not looking in the mirror, changing clothes because of how they look on me, covering up even in the summer, constantly wishing I was thinner, resenting my weight change – these things seem small at first. However, they reinforce negative beliefs about my body, then I wonder why I don’t like to be “in” it. I wonder why I don’t like to experience it, to move it. I resent my body and don’t treat it well. I feel trapped within it. Moving is a reminder, an instigator of all this discomfort, pain, and harshness toward my physical being.
So how do I change this?
I begin by being with it. I look at myself in the mirror while naked. While looking at it, I say to my body, “Thank you for holding me.” I appreciate her for carrying and protecting my soul for 26 years. I apologize for the way I’ve treated her, restricted her, and thought of her.
(As you can see, I like to personify. This connects and makes the process intimate for me.)
To further help with full acceptance, I exist within my home completely naked. I sleep naked. For the parts of me I am most insecure, I make sure to pay special attention to. For example, I am insecure about my breasts, so I walk around the house with no bra on.
This first step alone has been liberating. It’s introducing allowance instead of resistance to the way my body already is. It’s introducing patience instead of annoyance. I’m beginning to show love and gratitude for what I already have. Isn’t that the first step to improvement and well-being?
Beginning with acceptance is most important because I have to change my perfectionistic standards for the way my body should be. I need to instead work through how it exists now and what my individual best looks like, without the influence of what’s accepted by society-at-large.
I’m still figuring out the next steps. I know I will begin to explore what specific movements make my body feel free and what allows me to take up space. We’ll see how the rest of this ongoing process unfolds, but for now I’m showing myself and my body grace whether that involves movement or not. To be continued…
Suggested reflections for you:
What is specifically blocking you from moving? Is it a feeling, something physical, finance, or something I haven’t listed?
How is this block affecting you? Ex. I can’t afford a gym or class so there’s no way I can properly work out or move my body.
How are the thoughts you have around moving false? How can they be broken down to the root feeling or experience that led to this belief?
If you are physically challenged, have you been able to find how others with your condition are moving? It was comforting for me to look up how people with my condition deal with flare-ups and move regardless of limitations.
What is your relationship with your body and its image? How do you feel in your body?
Get to know your body by being with it in your personal way. What way would allow you to connect with it in a more liberated way? It was nudity for me.
